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So. What Are Ya' Wearin'? (The Sequel)
I'm starting my second year here at The Land of G&K, and I must say, I think I've got the hang of this dress casual thing.
Well, ok, there was that time I thought I'd look all cute in some of those ankle booties and wore them to work, only to find out I'm a complete WUSS and I lasted a whole freakin' four hours in the damn things....("Yeah, but they've got a thick heel....I'll be finnnnne...")
Insert the Top Gun "*cough! Bullshit!" here....
And we're certainly not going to mention that time I rode all the way to work on the train...with my dress on backwards...
Re-LAX-the back of the neckline goes up higher than the front of the neckline, so it's not like you couldn't have done it. Maybe.
But enough about my fashion faux paux...let's discuss our customers, shall we?
You know you wanna....
I never understand why people want to wear all white. I know, I know. It's a classic look. And sometimes, you have to-it's a white wedding (cue the Billy Idol here...), sometimes someone is channeling their inner Tom Hanks and they need a white tux a'la the party scene in 'Big'. And if you're that obsessed with it staying clean, what the eternal...frack are you going to do when you wear it, for God's sake? Are you going to seal yourself in a Ziploc? Wrap yourself in Saran Wrap, one wonders??
But seriously, some of them are REALLY freakin' paranoid about the white. To the point where they don't want it touching anything once they pull it off the rack. Anything. Don't let it rub up against that red shirt I'm buying-it might turn pink! Did you just God forbid breathe on it??! Ohmygod, it's ruined! Where's the manager?
I seriously had one customer who insisted that I NOT put a white ladies suit-heretofor from this point on known as The White Suit on the counter. Our conversation went something like this:
"Hi! How are you toda-"
"Could you NOT put that on your filthy counter?"
Now mind you, she was looking at the counter like we had just slaughtered a pig there and he was still resting comfortably waiting for the barbeque pit. Never mind the fact that she had just taken The White Suit out of the cart from underneath all the rest of the stuff she was buying.
"Where do you want me to put it??"
"Well, can't you bag it already?"
"I have to scan it and take off the sensor, ma'am." (Insert big, "OHMYDEARSWEETLORD" sigh here.)
I hang The White Suit and logon to the register to start my sale. In the meantime, she's eyeballing the suit like Armageddon is about to come to the store and put a direct fire and brimstone hit on The White Suit that was evidently handmade from baby cherubs with virgin choirs singing in the background. Everytime someone comes within 10 feet of The White Suit, she looks as though she's going to pee herself from the stress of it all. I scan and bag her things as fast as I can before she begins to hyperventilate herself into a stroke.
I then reach for The White Suit.
I scan the bar code...and then, I have to take off the theft sensor.
Now mind you, in order to take off the sensor, 9 times out of 10, the item will touch the counter in some way, form or fashion. There's no getting around it. She looks at me like I just threw The White Suit into a sooty chimney-one akin to the chimney sweep scene in Mary Poppins-and the second I take it off, she needs to inspect it. Like, as in: "Let me see it, I need to see it, if its dirty, then I'm not buying it! Or I want a discount!"
Fortunately, all was not lost, as The White Suit remained in it's virgin state and I thought she was going on her merry way.
She was then joined by her husband, who had picked out a black outfit-jeans and a shirt (evidently he wasn't thinking about "goin to the meetin'"), and had one of our perfume testers in his hand. I immediately knew where this was headed...and I did NOT want to be there...
He looks at the total, which is somewhere up in the lower $300 range.
He then looks at me like I took her on a personal shopping spree around the store and asks, "What she buy??!" Tha frack do I know?? It's a Saturday, could y'all just get out of my line before my manager has a hernia and ridicules me for spending the last decade with y'all??!
"You'll have to discuss that with her, sir, are you purchasi--"
"Y'all got layaway here??!"
Ohmydearsweetcheeseandrice if I went through all that with her and The White Suit and they walk out of here with nothing I will seriously go out into the parking lot and beat my head against the curb...
"No sir, I'm sorry, we don't have layaw-"
"How much this cologne cost?"
"I don't know off-hand, sir-that's a tester, you'll have to bring me the actual bot-"
"Y'all can't sell me the tester?"
Yeah, let me just make up a price and enter it into the register for you, how's that grab you?? "No, sir, we don't sell the testers..."
"We spent too damn much in here anyway. Just ring up my stuff so we can get the hell out of here. I need this tonight, and we gots to go."
Now comes the best, icing on the cake part-he then proceeds to douse himself-and the clothing-with enough cologne that made me remember a bad laundry incident with "He Who Is The Daughter's Father" and put a cloud around himself that would make PIgPen from Peanuts jealous.
My coworker, "He Who Takes No Kind of Messed Up Foolishness", looked at me-from two registers away-like "Did that man just do what I think he just did??" And all I can do at this point is just cough, nod, and get them the hell out of Dodge.
And this is why I keep wanting to keep vodka in my water bottle at work...but at least The White Suit remained unharmed, albiet a little smelly, I'm sure.


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